Ghost Hunters

One of my favorite lines in Ghost Hunters is when they yell out, "We aren't here to hurt you." Haven't these guys watched any ghost movies, read any ghost stories, in the last 50 years? When has a ghost ever been on the receiving end when the hurting is handed out? "Are you innocent?" How many ghosts would answer that one truthfully?

Every time I watch this show, I begin running through some of my favorite ghost stories and movies.

• Thirteen Ghosts
• The Grudge
• The Shining
• The Willows
• Ringu
• The Ghost and Mrs. Muir

Granted, some of them are more dangerous than others. (A ranking.)

Anyway, with sounds, flickering shadows, and doors swinging shut, the season ends much better than it began. Actually, I am not sure if this is the season finale--it is billed as the "Mid-Season Finale." Does that mean the season is finished being halfway over? (Wow--the power of the Internet. They have online ghost hunter training!)

Bayard

Ghost Hunters -- 100th Episode

I have to begin with a disclaimer.

By 8:30, I had begun reading League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and by 9:20, I was asleep.


The sleep had nothing to do with the graphic novel. The 100th episode of Ghost Hunters, on the other hand, probably led to the headache which prompted me to escape into oblivion.
Watching the first ten minutes was painful—perhaps even more so than watching Steve in high school trying to impress the head cheerleader (after she had turned him down for prom because “she was baking cookies”).

The notion of interviewing the cast and asking them softball questions is standard, overused fair. Every sitcom in the last 25 years has celebrated its success with a similar panel discussion. The problem with the premise is we don’t like the celebrities we like the characters. (Of course, they are oblivious to this-they think we love them for who they are—actors hiding behind the masks of interesting people.) This was awkwardly different. These are characters who are celebrities.

At first it seems, fresh, new, and engaging. We like these guys. These geeks. But the problem is we have liked and listened to them for 90 odd episodes. They are fun to hang with in the hunt. Sitting around a steamer trunk, their conversation falters. "What three things would you take to Alcatraz?” “A cat, a DVD, and a hamburger.” Uh, yeah.


We don’t want to sit down and chat with them—anymore than we want to take our Halo clan to work with us. Ever have to bring a conversation around after one of your Live buds has just finished explaining his last online battle? It’s painful. Your heart had to go out to Josh. But at least he was honest. SyFy foots his travel bill.

Yes, it was embarrassing. It is always painful to watch a friend make the stab at being a part of the inner circle. (Can't Buy Me Love, guys, is just a feel good movie. It is fiction.) I couldn’t take it. I was not there for them. I turned off the light, curled up, and listened as my wife channel surf to the Oxygen channel. She was smug; I could tell by the way she clicked the changer.

Bayard Sartoris

Ghost Hunters Count Down

Ghost Hunters's mid-season premiere is on this Wednesday night. And, I am ready to watch Jason and Grant tackle Alcatraz with their techno-geek speak. A couple of times over the last few months, I have resorted to watching Ghost Adventures on the Travel Channel to get my paranormal fix. I was unnerved.

Clearly knock offs of the successful Ghost Hunter franchise, Ghost Adventures and those others (Ghost Lab) reflect a dark trend in our society.

Everyone knows the signs.

A blind commitment
A esoteric and arcane knowledge
A cultish adherence to an unwritten but absolute set of rules
A willingness to explain, expound

These function as filters (better than any ever created by Microsoft). They enable normal people--the high school cheerleader, the two golfers knocking back drinks at the club, or wives discussing Oprah over lattes—to navigate around geeks without having to notice them, talk to them, stop at Starbucks with them.

The geekiness of Ghost Hunter’s Grant and Jason is indisputable. If you have any doubts, spend five minutes surfing their webpages (both the SyFY and the TAPS sites), read a handful of their Twitters, or lurk in their chatroom. It’s all there. The internet does not lie—at least in this way.

True, an authentic geek often has the loyal, socially adept friend. (To fully understand the implications of this relationship, watch Lucas or less painfully reflect on Han’s role in Star Wars. All geeks are ultimately and finally Jedi knights in disguise.) In point of fact, Jason and Grant have Josh Gates from Destination Truth.

For the most part, though, society has ignored the geek and for good reason.

The geeky obsession (if that is not too strong or vulgar) is a response to a higher calling. And this response requires the authentic, true geek to willingly sacrifice any pretense of convention or conformity. In short, social standing is jettisoned.

And therein lies the ugly, dysfunctionality of Ghost Lab and its kind. These guys are not geeks. They are cool hipsters, muscle bound studs, black clad tough guys who spent their adolescence tormenting the kid who knew too much about Spiderman or WoW. Posers. Imposters. Insidious infiltrators. Indeed, I am tempted to label them the Sith of prime time cable programming—but not being a part of the geek inner sanctum (not knowing the name of the creature that almost disembowels Luke on that ice planet) I hesitate.

Uncomfortable with the outlier, our society has taken notice of the geek and has begun the process of assimilation. (Yes, that is a mixed metaphor. And the fact that you caught it and snarked on it marks you as one of them.)

Bayard Sartoris